Funny · Little · Frog · In · My · Throwet

I've neglected Livejournal so very much lately. I think that Twitter is killing LJ, at least for me anyway.

I PROMISE to read more and update more. I just read over lots of friend entries and realised how I've missed quite a lot and it's made me sad.

Anyway - me, my life.....

My brother is staying over with us for a couple of weeks because when they have to take a holiday from the pub they have to leave it altogether for a "locum" landlord to come and live in their flat. It's an odd arrangement and means we have to put up with him.

I never got on with my brother when he lived here and things at home with my parents have been a lot better since he moved out. He's been at my parent's for a week so far, and it's be absolutely awful. I don't know why he thinks so little of me...but he does. Whenever he gets the chance he puts me down and tells me why I'm a loser/bum/lazy/mental/disgusting/worthless/pathetic etc.

This usually comes out at night, when he's been drinking..when he's in the house (he's out most of the day). The next day it will be as though nothing has happened, and he will deny that it meant anything, and he will say I take things the wrong way.

On Friday he really went too far. He decided to tell me everything that was wrong with my life and tell me how he's ashamed of me, how his life is so much better than mine. He was vile. So on saturday, I decided to go and stay at Damian's, which is where I am now. My mum's rang and said he doesn't even seem to have noticed I've left.

In a week or so he will have gone and things will start to get back to normal and I can go back home. I'm really worried now though, more than before, because now he has a son. A son he could stop me seeing (which would kill me, I adore him) if we don't make up. I can't see how I can forgive him. How many times can you forgive someone who says the most awful things about to you, who seems to really believe those things, someone who is meant to love you unconditionally? If it meant the difference between being allowed to see my nephew or not, I guess I would say I forgave him. I would swallow up everything he's made me feel. I'm scared that one day Charley will see how his dad talks to me and think it's normal. I'm worried he will look down on me as much as his father does. If he can say awful things to my face, then God knows what he says behind my back..and if you hear negative things about someone often enough you believe them. I've heard them so much..even I've started to believe them.

That's written really badly but I've got out of the habit of writing about myself in anything more than 140 characters!

I have really really really bad wisdom teeth pain. OWWWW

I've been in Devon (and Stratford Upon Avon) for the last 9ish days. I've had a lovely time, and will update later...when I've not just drank the wine.

Someone needs to remind me to update. Seriously. Someone cattle prod me every few days.

I have the flu. I feel like shit, but despite this I've tried to make today a day of actually getting some things done.

Accomplishments:

• Wrote & posted letter to Bettie


• Wrote letter to Holden


• Made blackcurrant cordial


• Made fruit compote from blackcurrant pulp


• Made stock from beef bones

I feel rough as dogs but smug.

I'm trying to sort back going to university at the moment but the University of Derby are absolute idiots. I'm being passed from person to person and department to department. Nobody seems to tell each other anything, and it's just been weeks of waiting for them to sort things out to see if I can go back. The longer I'm getting fucked about the more I'm worried. I might only be able to go back part time if they've filled up the full time quota. I am so frustrated about everything. I might go and do a Columbine.

I might be moving out soon. I'm embarassed about it really, because it'd be into "supported accomodation"; the charity I see for support work have lots of accomodation you can rent and there's a vacancy in a house share with another girl. So yes, I might be moving there.

This week I want to actually complete my zine. anatomicalheart sent me her great new mini zine which inspired me to actually finish something for once-in-my-god-damn-life.

Look what my mummy bought me :D

My brother's baby was due on Wednesday and it's still not here. I'm too excited to live.

Last week I went to Stratford Upon Avon with my parents for a couple of nights. It was really lovely. We got there on the Sunday, which was the RSC Open Day. Because we got there in the afternoon, we missed alot of the events, but still saw somethings.

We went on the chain ferry, which crosses the river. They had RSC actors reading Sonnets as you crossed. The ferry only takes a few minutes, but it was great. Little things like that make me really happy.

There was a costume exhibition that we went to, which was quite interesting. They included all the sketches, actors' fitting sheets and fabric swatches.

The next night my mum and I went to see The Winters Tale at The Courtyard Theatre. I haven't been to the theatre for ages and really bloody loved it. The performance was excellent, though the first half was much better than the second. They used the scenery amazingly (like huge bookcases falling down scattering hundreds of books and thousands of loose pages all over the stage). We've booked tickets to see Twelfth Night in October now too.

We saw all the Shakespeare houses during the two days too. We also went to some nice pubs and a good restaurant

Anyway, other stuff has happened since obviously, but they're too boring..

I've been reading loads lately. I've constantly got at least two novels on the go, and I'm also reading graphic novels and poetry alongside it. I'm normally always reading, but not as quickly as I have been lately.

Yesterday I went to the central library and then to see the Spectacular Crafts exhibition at the Millennium Galleries. I really enjoyed most of the exhibition. One of the artists (can't remember their name) does amazing paper cutting. I can't even comprehend how they do it, it's just beautiful. At the end of the exhibition there is origami paper and instructions too.

At the moment I'm thinking of moving out of my parent's house. It's not that I don't like it, I just want more freedom and independence. I think it will help me get better, I hope it will. I'm trying to sort out the money aspect of it at the moment. I am poorer that I have ever been. I have no money whatsoever.

Oh and my brother's baby is due in less than a month. I'm excited!

I feel guilty about not posting about every aspect of what I'm up to, like I used to..but I don't really need to do I? Sometimes I feel like recording everything I do, and other times I don't. Still..guilt is silly.

So, I won't do an update going over what I've done in the last few weeks. Instead I'll try to write more about things as they're happening and write more about my opinions and stuff. I have lots of them you know! :P

At the moment I've got loads of stuff I need to do but as usual I am procrastinating. They will be done. On earth as it is in heaven.

I had a dream that seemed to last weeks and weeks last night. ( Click to read about natural disasters and fascist states.. )

I'm sat watching Dickinsons Real Deal whilst my dad is asleep and snoring on the settee. This is the life...

I really need to motivate myself lately. I've been doing more social stuff and have been getting out more, but I'm finding anything that holds any importance is really hard to do. Sorting university, making plans, sorting appointments and bills etc... It seems harder than ever to do these things.

Any suggestions?

I was really happy yesterday because Paul at Oxfam came back from his holiday in Florida. He is the coolest person there and I love spending time with him. He has Down's Syndrome and his world view is so totally different to everyone elses. He isn't jaded like the rest of us and I can talk to him more easily than anyone else at Oxfam. He's just so open and friendly, and I love that about him. We chat about Neighbours, Eastenders, wrestling, America, customers and stuff. Nothing of much importance and I don't think he'll ever realise how much his friendship means to me. It's odd I guess, just talking about everything and nothing, is all I sometimes need. Working there is so much more enjoyable when we're discussing which people we know should be characters in Neighbours!

Are you voting in the EU elections? If so, who for?

Sorry for my absence. I'd give an excuse, but I haven't got one.

On tuesday I went to a lecture given by Roy Hattersley on Political Biography. It was good, considering I only went because my mother loves him. I felt like a member of some academic elite. It was all old history and politics lectures laughing at in jokes and talking about their students' dissetations.

On the 10th on June, I'm going to a poetry reading by Carol Ann Duffy which I'm excited about. I've never seen a well known poet before. I'm definitely going to keep looking for more stuff like those. It makes me happy and it makes life seem so much more worthwhile.

I managed to take a chunk out of my foot at the weekend, from a part of the sole my foot. Walking on it kills and it's driving me mad. The pain seems to be getting worse as it heals too. Heels heals LOLOLOL.

Oh and in other news, I am being stalked by a boy I gave my number to nearly two weeks ago. He rings and texts every day and won't leave me alone. It's more irritating than scary (he doesn't know where I live or my last name or anything). It's made me interestest in the pathology of people who engage in stalking behaviour...he seemed so normal.

I'm still volunteering at Oxfam, although I've not gone in today because I feel like shit. Not going in makes me feel even more shit though, because I keep thinking about how I'm letting them down and how they must think I'm a total moronic flake who doesn't care. Doing things makes me feel better but sometimes I just can't. I just can't and it frustrates me more than anything.

I don't want to write anymore so I'll update with more stuff later kids.

OH one more thing, has anyone got any experience of Modafinil/Provigil?

The phrase "but there was love." has been going through my head all night and day. I don't know where it came from, but it seems to hold some significance with me.