Funny · Little · Frog · In · My · Throwet

I've been reading loads lately. I've constantly got at least two novels on the go, and I'm also reading graphic novels and poetry alongside it. I'm normally always reading, but not as quickly as I have been lately.

Yesterday I went to the central library and then to see the Spectacular Crafts exhibition at the Millennium Galleries. I really enjoyed most of the exhibition. One of the artists (can't remember their name) does amazing paper cutting. I can't even comprehend how they do it, it's just beautiful. At the end of the exhibition there is origami paper and instructions too.

At the moment I'm thinking of moving out of my parent's house. It's not that I don't like it, I just want more freedom and independence. I think it will help me get better, I hope it will. I'm trying to sort out the money aspect of it at the moment. I am poorer that I have ever been. I have no money whatsoever.

Oh and my brother's baby is due in less than a month. I'm excited!

I feel guilty about not posting about every aspect of what I'm up to, like I used to..but I don't really need to do I? Sometimes I feel like recording everything I do, and other times I don't. Still..guilt is silly.

So, I won't do an update going over what I've done in the last few weeks. Instead I'll try to write more about things as they're happening and write more about my opinions and stuff. I have lots of them you know! :P

At the moment I've got loads of stuff I need to do but as usual I am procrastinating. They will be done. On earth as it is in heaven.

I had a dream that seemed to last weeks and weeks last night. ( Click to read about natural disasters and fascist states.. )

I'm sat watching Dickinsons Real Deal whilst my dad is asleep and snoring on the settee. This is the life...

I really need to motivate myself lately. I've been doing more social stuff and have been getting out more, but I'm finding anything that holds any importance is really hard to do. Sorting university, making plans, sorting appointments and bills etc... It seems harder than ever to do these things.

Any suggestions?

I was really happy yesterday because Paul at Oxfam came back from his holiday in Florida. He is the coolest person there and I love spending time with him. He has Down's Syndrome and his world view is so totally different to everyone elses. He isn't jaded like the rest of us and I can talk to him more easily than anyone else at Oxfam. He's just so open and friendly, and I love that about him. We chat about Neighbours, Eastenders, wrestling, America, customers and stuff. Nothing of much importance and I don't think he'll ever realise how much his friendship means to me. It's odd I guess, just talking about everything and nothing, is all I sometimes need. Working there is so much more enjoyable when we're discussing which people we know should be characters in Neighbours!

Are you voting in the EU elections? If so, who for?

Sorry for my absence. I'd give an excuse, but I haven't got one.

On tuesday I went to a lecture given by Roy Hattersley on Political Biography. It was good, considering I only went because my mother loves him. I felt like a member of some academic elite. It was all old history and politics lectures laughing at in jokes and talking about their students' dissetations.

On the 10th on June, I'm going to a poetry reading by Carol Ann Duffy which I'm excited about. I've never seen a well known poet before. I'm definitely going to keep looking for more stuff like those. It makes me happy and it makes life seem so much more worthwhile.

I managed to take a chunk out of my foot at the weekend, from a part of the sole my foot. Walking on it kills and it's driving me mad. The pain seems to be getting worse as it heals too. Heels heals LOLOLOL.

Oh and in other news, I am being stalked by a boy I gave my number to nearly two weeks ago. He rings and texts every day and won't leave me alone. It's more irritating than scary (he doesn't know where I live or my last name or anything). It's made me interestest in the pathology of people who engage in stalking behaviour...he seemed so normal.

I'm still volunteering at Oxfam, although I've not gone in today because I feel like shit. Not going in makes me feel even more shit though, because I keep thinking about how I'm letting them down and how they must think I'm a total moronic flake who doesn't care. Doing things makes me feel better but sometimes I just can't. I just can't and it frustrates me more than anything.

I don't want to write anymore so I'll update with more stuff later kids.

OH one more thing, has anyone got any experience of Modafinil/Provigil?

The phrase "but there was love." has been going through my head all night and day. I don't know where it came from, but it seems to hold some significance with me.

I haven't properly read my friends' page or updates livejournal for ages. I've been busy busy busy, well, by my standards anyway. I've been away with my parents for the last week which was really lovely. I'm not doing a proper update, I'm just checking in to say that I'm alive and I've missed you people. Even the lj friends I just nosey on and rarely leave comments for.

This is probably the one thing I should never ever speak about and definitely the one thing I should never hear about.

My parents' sex life...or their lack of it. It's none of my business, yet at the same time I feel that it is completely my business and my concern.

My dad was telling me today about how bitchy my mum has been lately, this followed me moaning about how she fell out with me today about something silly and irrelevant.

He said how he feels unloved and and unwanted. How no matter how many times he rubs her back, her feet, how many times he cuddles her she never gives anythings back. I've seen this often. She snubs her nose at scratching an itch on his back and I've never seen her physically comfort him. In a way, I think it's even shaped my own presumptions on how couples should relate to each other.

My dad went further tonight, probably uncomfortably so for most people. Many would find this disgusting, no doubt.

He mentioned the fact that she never ever initiates any sexual contact or returns any that he gives her. He said they never ever, apart from his attempts, have any sort of foreplay.

Just talking about this makes me a little uneasy, but I feel it's something I should talk about. It makes me wonder about my mother, her feelings and why she is like this. It makes me question everything I ever thought about their marriage and it's strengths. My father is clearly unsatisfied and I wonder if my mother is too...or if she just doesn't find it necessary. I wonder if she thinks about it.

I don't even know how to speak about this or if I am even meant to even think about it. I feel wrong for writing about it...but there are so many issues surrounding it...not sexual, but love, feelings, intimacy. Where is it all? Why do I feel like everything I ever thought about relationships and love is challenged?

I want to understand why this matters to me so much. I want to know why everything isn't right between them. I want them to be happy and I want to know what happiness is.

My holiday in Scotland was really great. I'll do a proper post about it and other stuff later..I can't be arsed right now and my feet hurt.

I've been on an organising kick lately. I sorted out all my bookmarks on firefox into folders, I went over my thought diary thing again, I sorted out all the herbs and spices and put them into categories, I sorted out my baking shelf and decanted stuff into containers and labelled everything and did the same in the hot drinks shelf (we have lots of types of hot drinks).

Seeing everything labelled and tidy makes me feel good. I am easily pleased I guess.

Yesterday Marie said that she thinks a lot of my negative thoughts and unhappiness stem from the fact that I need other people to create my happiness and that I depend on other people's approval and company to make me feel worth while.

I think she's probably right. I need to be fulfilled by myself, I need to make myself happy.

Over the last month I've read five books:

I'm going to rate them out of ten because I'm a cool kid like that...

Chuck Palahniuk - Choke 8/10
James Frey - A Million Little Pieces 8/10
Stephen Fry - Moab Is My Washpot 7/10
Margaret Atwood - The Handmaid's Tale 9/10
Bret Easton Ellis - Less Than Zero 5/10

I'm findng it really hard to control how I react to seeing sad things or being upset for people lately. Just seeing an old person struggle, or someone do something embarassing in a shop is spinning me into a really low mood.

I get upset and sad for them and then it takes over everything and I can't feel anything but a deep deep sadness for a while. I need to find a way to deal with it; to not take everything on my shoulders. Every injustice sometimes seems like another reason why the world seems so barren.

The weekend in Reading was great. The hotel was quite posh and plush and I sufficiently abused the facilities. I went swimming for the first time in ages and went in the jacuzzi and the sauna..It was lovely.

I also abused the buffet breakfast and the cappuccino and green tea stations. I actually gave myself the coffee shakes..such was my lust to get my money's worth ha.

Reading itself wasn't very good (sorry Tree!), it was miserably wet and everything we saw just seemed to be pretty crap. We went to Basingstoke aswell which was a ghost town except for in the packed clone shopping mall (which I only went in to weewee). We went to Windsor on the way home and I really liked it there..it had much more character than anywhere else we'd been during the weekend and thankfully the Queen wasn't at home.

This week I've been trying to be a little more productive and have started knitting my first ever scarf and have baked courgette cake. It tastes slightly odd, in a nice way.